He hears me.

The Lord is near to those who call on Him, to those who call on Him in truth.
Psalm 145:18

It's hard to believe it's been thirteen weeks since this little miracle began her official journey into this world. On one hand, it seems like she's been here forever; on the other, it seems like it was only yesterday.

She was Yahweh's personal message to me, "I love you. I hear you. I am answering you."

You would think I would have clearly understood that already with all the miracles God has performed in our family, but no.  She is (literally) living proof that He pursues me, loves me passionately, and wants me to really know and trust Him.

You see, I often feel like no one really hears me.  I feel like, a lot of times, I am unable to really pour out my heart, share my deepest struggles, because people shrug it off.  (For the record, my husband does not do this. He is pretty much the only person I feel I can be completely honest with because he really listens to what I'm sharing, takes on the task of praying over me, and encouraging me in the Lord.)

I feel like many people think I have it "all together" so they poo-poo my struggles, wave them off like a bothersome fly. This is frustrating as I most certainly do not have it all together, and, on the inside, I'm very messy and icky and want to talk these things out with godly people.

Because of what I feel/perceive/experience in this area of my life, I often project that on Jesus. I refrain from pouring out my life at His feet because I am afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of being shut down. I'm afraid He'll tell me, "You have a good life. You shouldn't feel that way."

Because, honestly, the responses I get from other people when I try to share a sliver of what's going on in my heart pretty much amounts to (at least to my ears), "Get over it."

And while, intellectually, I know that the Lord would never, ever say that to me......  my heart somehow believes otherwise.

I often have to remind myself that the Lord truly loves. He is Love.  So much of what we call love here on earth is not really love.  It's selfishness in sheep's clothing.

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?  Matthew 6:26

My Heavenly Father loves me. He hears me. He knows the aches and pains and sorrows of my heart. He knows the deepest longings of my soul. I don't have to hold back.  I can share these with Him. I can cry out to Him. I can sob at His feet.  I can be messy and icky and weepy before Him.

He already knows, yet He still longs for me to come and confess it before Him. He never grows tired of my voice. No where in Scripture does He ever say to His people, "Stop calling out to me!"  Quite the opposite! I repeatedly see Him reminding His beloved to cry out to Him.

The Lord doesn't want me to sit in my bedroom and pout, but to cry out to Him with a sincere heart, laying it all down before Him.  (They do not cry to me from the heart, but they wail upon their beds; for grain and wine they gash themselves; they rebel against me. [Hosea 7:14])

I am so thankful that, even when I feel like no one hears me, the Lord does. He truly cares, and He truly listens.  He is involved in the details of my life, numbers the hairs of my head, and knows the desires of my heart.

I pray that He will solidify this understanding within my deepest parts.

Nothing Satisfies But You

Ins and outs

Up and down

That's the way the living goes

Laugh and cry
Smile and frown

Emotions running to and fro

And here, "solid ground" seems like sinking sand

And here, the more I know the less I understand.

The tighter I hold, the less I have control,

So I let go....

And I sink into Jesus-

I fall against His breast-

I find my peace in Jesus;
And further in I press.

Oh when I look around, it's obvious to me.

O Jesus- You're all I need.

There's a world calling out for my attention,

Lies on parade as the truth.

So much out to tempt my soul, but

Nothing satisfies but You.

© 2012 MandyMom.com, The Pouring Out

10 weeks

10 weeks have flown by.

How does a baby grow so fast?
How does life flutter by so swiftly?

With all the pouring out, I wonder how much of it I stop to take in.

Our "little" Family

Just in case you missed the adorable pictures I posted (which were snapped by my awesome friend Teri the day after Jubilee's birth), here's a peek- our first family-of-seven photo!

Hard to believe this was almost seven weeks ago! On one hand, it seems like it was only yesterday. On the other, it feels like she's been part of our family forever!

Face to Face

My eyes are closed as I listen to the music. My lips are still, but my heart sings full-force. The Presence in my bedroom is so strong, I literally reach out my hands expecting my fingers to meet with His skin. It's as if he's sitting on the bed across from me, my bible laid out between us.

Come thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace....

My lids flicker open, stunned to find there's no one there, at least- not a physical human body. Shut again, I see Him there legs crossed, watching me, smiling at me.  I can feel Him all around me.

I hold my hands high and sing,

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. I am forever Yours.

I feel His hands in mine, and I grasp them tight. So tangible. So real. Faith in the Unseen, and the Unseen is in my bedroom, fingers intertwined with mine.

This is what He's been whispering to me for weeks now.  

    Remember that moment in your room? Your infant's heart and breath on pause? Remember how I was there, physically there? Remember your complete trust in Me at that very moment? Do you recall how I filled you up as your faith wrapped around me, unwavering?  I protected you. I answered you. I was there. I am always with you, but you are not always with Me.  I want you to always be with Me, daughter.  This is how it was meant to be. United.

And the cry of my heart, my deepest desire, has been to experience that moment over and over again just to feel His overwhelming peace and comfort.  I was made for Him. I was made for this. I was made to be in constant connection with Him, fully immersed in Him.

I never want to leave this place.

Exodus 33:11- The Lord spoke with Moses face to face, just as a man speaks with his friend.

In the midst of my troubles, You are there

I wrote this song today, which I will likely sing tonight at the celebration, but I have no idea what I should title it. Any ideas?

Six weeks of His goodness

God is so, so good.
Six weeks of His goodness in the form of a little baby I have enjoyed.  I have cherished her smiles, comforted her cries, changed her diapers, snuggled her to my breast.  And she is a reminder, as are all my children, that God gives wonderful gifts, and children are truly a reward.

Today is the Jubilee celebration.

If you live in the Houston area, we welcome you to come praise and worship with us this evening, thanking God for His mighty miracle- breathing life into our little Jub'ee!

Five weeks

My sweet Jubilee is *FIVE* weeks old.
Why does time fly so fast?
And how is it that I feel like she was born just yesterday
but, at the same time,
feel like she's been here forever?

I remember that moment, the moment she was placed against my skin.

Tiny and quiet.
Hardly a breath passing through those plump lips.
Everyone in the room willing her to breathe.

Breathe, baby, breathe!

She is my reminder that God answers prayers,
that He alone gives breath.
He gives life, He takes life.
And He's ultimately in control.

Joy unwrapped

Soaring on swings

Wide smiles.

Blue skies.

These are the gifts God pours upon my life.

My heart is giddy,

my joy swells within me.

I cherish these gifts;

I thank the Lord.

I watch them skip and play

as I nurse the smallest of our clan,

and I praise Him.

Oh, this ministry of motherhood

ministers more to my soul than theirs, I know.

The Jubilee Celebration

Our sweet Jubilee a month old now.

Isn't that amazing?

God is not only the Giver of life, He's the Sustainer of life.  He is The Life.  God breathed the first breath of life into Adam, and He continues to breathe life into all of us naturally and spiritually.

We will be sharing the events of Molly Jo Jubilee's birth the last weekend of this month.  In the Scriptures, we see God's people set aside time to praise, worship, and tell the story of His goodness after miraculous events and deliverances.  April 29th, we will gather to tell of His mighty works in the little life of Jubilee and how it impacted each of those present. He is worthy of our worship and praise!

What's in a name?

 
I can't tell you how many times in this first month of her life that I have forgotten her name, and not because she's new but because it doesn't seem to be the name she should be called by.

So today, we decided... we will call her by the name given to her at birth- her middle name;

Jubilee.




 ju·bi·lee [n]

any season or occasion of rejoicing or festivity; rejoicing or jubilation.

Maybe the name that shall be whispered and cooed and sung and called throughout the day should be one that always reminds me to rejoice.

Fragile

Life is so very fragile.  God keeps reminding me of that. Life as we know it here on earth is just a blip, really, when compared to the infinite life that stretches out after this body has served it's purpose, done its time.

So often, I find myself living as though this is all there is, as if there wasn't an eternity to consider.  My words and actions have a ripple effect through that eternity. How often do I consider that? Each word and action birthed can lift up or tear apart.  They even have the power to bring one closer to God or push them further away.

Humans are fragile.  That's why we need a Fierce God, a Mighty Savior. We're like Humpty Dumpty, all broken and gooey, and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put us together again..... because it's a job only the King Himself can do.  We're icky and messy and the job seems impossible, but nothing is impossible in Him.

I am fragile, but He is my strength.


Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalm 29:11  The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

These bodies are temporary

Not enough, too many

That's how I'm feeling in my new "hi-I'm-a-mother-of-five" shoes.

How is it I can be calm and faithful when my baby isn't breathing and her heart isn't beating, but I just want to zone out when the daily chaos routine of life starts zapping my nerves?

Oh right, it all has to do with You, Lord.  I've got to lean on You for the small events too.

The biggest miracle to ever occur

Miracles.
Brain mass, surgery, healing.  (Merikalyn)
Three-chambered hearts becoming four. (Evangeline)
A heart that stopped beating beats again. (Molly Jo)
And God breathes life into us all.

And so often, we don't stop to consider that miracles are "nothing" to our Lord.  It doesn't require more of His energy. It's not out of the ordinary for Him.  He is ever capable. In fact, He is ever blessing our lives, and we hardly take notice.  His protection surrounding us, and we are usually unaware.

His love around us and within us, and we live like it isn't the biggest miracle to ever occur.

It begins like this:
    For God so loved the world......

He breathes life into my ministry

It's so easy to forget.
To get caught up in the here and now and tomorrows and yesterdays.
To focus on the to-do's and the not-quite-done's and the that-needs-to-be-redone's.
It's easy to see the coloring pages ripped from their books, shoes scattered, crumbs sprinkled, toys littering the floor. Easy to get side tracked by the chores and the lessons and the errands.

And then it seems like, when God whispers, it's an interruption.
I'm like a child, ever distracted by things that sparkle.
And all that sparkles is not gold, my dear self.

This- my home, my children, my husband- this is my ministry.  But sometimes I get so focused on my ministry that I lose focus of my God. I lose sight of all the God-moments and the God-gifts and the God-whisperings, and the God-leadings because I'm trying to do it all myself, forgetting that it is God who not only breathes life into my babies but breathes life into this ministry.  Into me.

Observe My Ways

God fills up this space

Rewind. Replay.
Her labor, birth, and events following reel through my mind.

Time dissolves. The world outside of this little room ceases to exist. Just five people- one of those a very tiny, struggling life- and God filling up this space.

A prayer I can't even speak. The Holy Spirit says it for me, and I believe. I know, and I see it as if it has already happened, accept it as truth.  I'm crying, but not tears of fear or sadness.  These are tears of joy, relief.

I am not alone. I do not have to rely on my own strength.
He stands with me. Arms that stretch out nail pieced hands wrap around me, and I feel safe. I know no fear. It doesn't even cross my path.

I witness love, abundant love, working seamlessly, fulfilling the promise He revealed in a dream to my husband.  I AM.

I AM here.
Cry out to Me, and I will answer.

And the heart beats.
And the baby breathes.
And the Hallelujah rings in my ears for God filled up this space.

Soak it in and Pour it out

Soak it in and pour it out.
Snuggle, cuddle, comfort. Whisper, sway, and sing.
This is one of the phases of the ministry of motherhood.

Dear self, don't let it fly by without truly tasting and enjoying.
Bow to take in the scent of your newborn baby, often.
Memorize her little fingers, count her little toes.
Often.
Pull her close.
Breathe her in.
Watch her sleep.
Thank the Lord,
Often.

For this is your ministry, mother.
To nurse, to hold, to comfort.
Each diaper change an act of love,
Like the washing of feet.
Never mind the sleepless nights,
The weariness that comes.
Relish each moment.
Use each to its fullest.

This phase is ever fleeting;
A new one will come.
Enjoy each step along the way.
And pray,
Often.

Do you know I love you?

This can be such a fragile point in marriage, which sounds strange to those who have never been here. Welcoming another child into our family is a joyous occasion, a blessed moment, but it also means I have yet another person requiring my attention, and this little person requires more than the rest.

It's so easy to get caught up in the babymoon, the trials and joys of motherhood, and forget that my husband may not be experiencing what I'm experiencing.  In fact, he may feel neglected as I coo over our newborn, snuggle and nurse her, wrap my schedule around her feedings, diaper changes, and naps.

Does he know I love him? Does he feel abandoned?  Does he feel shoved aside?
We expect our children to experience these emotions, but do we consider that our spouses may as well?

Time is precious, I see that clearer than ever now.  Have I made every word and action toward my husband count?  If he was to add them up, subtract them down, would they equal love?

I hesitate to ask. It's not just the pride-smacking that comes from the realization that I've fallen short.  No, it's more the thought of him hurting and needing, and me, his other half, being totally oblivious to it all. So I ask, "Do you feel loved?  I mean, do you really?"

And he says he does, and yes, he sometimes struggles, but he says he knows the truth, reminds himself of the truth, and doesn't allow himself to focus on the lies.

It sounds so tidy, like he's swept it into the dustpan and scraped it into the trash, but I'm not so sure it's that simple. And even if it is that simple, I don't even like the idea that the lies form because it means there have been times when he needed me to comfort and to snuggle him, to set aside whatever I was doing, to put him above those tasks and things and people and I didn't.

Life has been so hectic and nutty and wild for him lately. Late, late nights, never enough sleep, the stress of work, and he still manages to give us his love and attention.  I won't lie- it has felt sparse these last couple weeks, not his love, but his attention.  It has probably felt the same on his end.

And I'm at home figuring out what it is to be a mother of five now, and while it's going better than I expected, it's still busy, messy, and exhausting.  Don't let anyone tell you differently!

So I try to fill in the gaps with little momentos of love. A sweet text. A special surprise gift (coming soon to our mailbox!). An intentional snuggle.

I tidy the livingroom before he comes home. I fix my hair the way he likes it. I make the breakfast he desires.

I can't be sure he notices it all, but I do it all with love. When I teach our children, I think of him. When I cuddle our babies, my heart swells with love for him. When I clean our home, I thank God for him and the hard work he does day in, day out to provide what we have.

And, because I love him, I long for more time with him.  I long to love him more and better. Can he see this? Does he know it?

I have this habit of multitasking when I should just mono-task. Focus, look him in the eye. Hear what he's saying, really listen. Be present in the moment, even if it's just in the silence.

Lord, I desire to pour out my life as my husband's helpmeet.  Help me to be discerning, to know what to say and do and when, and when to say nothing at all. Thank you for this man whom you gave me to love; help me to love him more fully.  As Christ serves and loves me, help me to serve and love my husband.  Let me not waste a second of our time as husband and wife, but, instead, to use each moment to minister Your abundant love to my spouse. I praise You for transforming our marriage, and I thank You for the strength of our union. I want more of You, less of me in my marriage, Lord. I know that no one loves my husband more than You, and no one knows his heart and his needs more than You do, Father. Guide me in loving him. Let me not be selfish or self-serving in my actions towards him, but lead me to nurture, nourish, encourage, and support him. May I be a blessing to him, a crown upon his head.