The Lord is near to those who call on Him, to those who call on Him in truth.
Psalm 145:18
Psalm 145:18
It's hard to believe it's been thirteen weeks since this little miracle began her official journey into this world. On one hand, it seems like she's been here forever; on the other, it seems like it was only yesterday.
She was Yahweh's personal message to me, "I love you. I hear you. I am answering you."
You would think I would have clearly understood that already with all the miracles God has performed in our family, but no. She is (literally) living proof that He pursues me, loves me passionately, and wants me to really know and trust Him.
You see, I often feel like no one really hears me. I feel like, a lot of times, I am unable to really pour out my heart, share my deepest struggles, because people shrug it off. (For the record, my husband does not do this. He is pretty much the only person I feel I can be completely honest with because he really listens to what I'm sharing, takes on the task of praying over me, and encouraging me in the Lord.)
I feel like many people think I have it "all together" so they poo-poo my struggles, wave them off like a bothersome fly. This is frustrating as I most certainly do not have it all together, and, on the inside, I'm very messy and icky and want to talk these things out with godly people.
Because of what I feel/perceive/experience in this area of my life, I often project that on Jesus. I refrain from pouring out my life at His feet because I am afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of being shut down. I'm afraid He'll tell me, "You have a good life. You shouldn't feel that way."
Because, honestly, the responses I get from other people when I try to share a sliver of what's going on in my heart pretty much amounts to (at least to my ears), "Get over it."
And while, intellectually, I know that the Lord would never, ever say that to me...... my heart somehow believes otherwise.
I often have to remind myself that the Lord truly loves. He is Love. So much of what we call love here on earth is not really love. It's selfishness in sheep's clothing.
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? Matthew 6:26My Heavenly Father loves me. He hears me. He knows the aches and pains and sorrows of my heart. He knows the deepest longings of my soul. I don't have to hold back. I can share these with Him. I can cry out to Him. I can sob at His feet. I can be messy and icky and weepy before Him.
He already knows, yet He still longs for me to come and confess it before Him. He never grows tired of my voice. No where in Scripture does He ever say to His people, "Stop calling out to me!" Quite the opposite! I repeatedly see Him reminding His beloved to cry out to Him.
The Lord doesn't want me to sit in my bedroom and pout, but to cry out to Him with a sincere heart, laying it all down before Him. (They do not cry to me from the heart, but they wail upon their beds; for grain and wine they gash themselves; they rebel against me. [Hosea 7:14])
I am so thankful that, even when I feel like no one hears me, the Lord does. He truly cares, and He truly listens. He is involved in the details of my life, numbers the hairs of my head, and knows the desires of my heart.
I pray that He will solidify this understanding within my deepest parts.
